: home :: pictures :: history :: shop :: badger :: contact :
History of Crockery Or Ceramic Kidnappings
The first item of crockery to enter Britian was the tea cup, shortly after the introduction of tea in 1626. It was not long after that the first crime occured.
1631 : Rtrd. Able Seaman F. Laccid, 62 of Stroud, Gloustershire, discovers that his gardener has left an unwashed teacup in the sink. This is despite there being a sign reading "This sink should be clean and tidy at all times." F. Laccid goes into shock and cannot stand upright for several months.
Coffee is made in beans. Like baked beans - only roasted, which is why the're brown. And they don't have tomato sauce.
Despite the horrific nature of this crime, things were set to get so much worse. Coffee, which pre-dated tea in Britian by some 200 years, had traditionally been drink out of cupped hands. Theodre M. Brink, a farm labourer and coffee addict, revolusionalised coffee drinking in 1742 by suggesting the use of teacups. Despite initial opposition, the concept became widespread within 18 months and Mr Brink became a hero of his times. Riding the crest of success, Mr Brink took a step to far and introduced the coffee mug. The coffee mug, being of greater capacity and easier to hold than the teacup, allowed for massively increased consumption of coffee and led to more frequent reportings of caffine fevor - a condition whereby the sufferer undergoes an increased heart rate, highenten alertness and, sometimes, aggression.
1744 : Down and out William Hicks, 26, of no fixed abode is found guilty of demanding money with menaces. The court heard how his addiction to coffee, and his lack of money, led him to demand money from a Mr K. Frog on Rectory Road, Oxord. Mr Hicks requested of Mr Frog "Give us your money." When Mr Frog replied in the negative, Mr Hicks reached into his pocket to retrieve a weapon. In his caffine addled state, Mr Hicks grasped his mug in error and treatened Mr Frog with it. When Mr Frog continued to deny Mr Hicks, the latter smashed the object into the formers face. This led the the phrase "being mugged."
Following a spate of similar incidences the King lauched his Respect Agenda.
A scoundrel. Disguised as a goat.
1748 : Coffee is banned by Royal Decree. The Decree also bans all coffee related paraphernalia, including mugs. The resulting shortages led to a thriving black market and the price of mugs rocketed. A new criminal method emerged whereby a rapscallion would dress as a goat and sneak into peoples home whilst they were sleeping to steal their mugs. The underworld refered to this as "kidnapping."
Despite the rise in kidnappings, the Royal Decree remained in place until the nineteenth century. Then, a disasterious event led to a questioning of the ban.
1867 : The King, in a moment of extreme tiredness and without coffee to revive him, enacted a law banning checked shirts and lumberjacks. Canada protested to this blatent stereotyping and was granted independence the same year. The King realised the error of his ways and recinds the Decree.
1869 : Mug kidnapping reaches its lowest levels since records began.
1954 : In the last confirmed case of mug kidnapping in Britian the judge, Lord Adelcock, describes the defandant, who cannot be named for legal reasons, as "sick, perverted and disgusting."
2006 : Meredy's mug goes missing, presumed kidnapped.
Is this a return of the bad old days of kidnapping? Where you in East Oxford on Wednesday 15 February? Did you see somebody dressed as a goat? Have you seen any of these people? Have you seen Meredy's mug in any of these places? Please contact us immediately